OK America what the hell is going on now?

Given the future and democratic reputation of the American Republic, this is not a cause for bombast. Rather, it is time to humbly reach into the darkness and conjure up only those measured words that convey the intense dignity of this moment. In short, I think we all feel the hand of history on our pussies.

Donald Trump, America’s weeping ID, didn’t lose that election. Then again, Joe Biden didn’t win it. Just before 6am in the UK, Biden addressed a rally – never a better time for one, buddy – and told the Delaware crowd that he was “optimistic”. On the split screen, Trump spoke to his Twitter entourage, telling them “a big win,” adding, “They’re trying to steal the election – votes can’t be cast after the Poles are closed.” Expect he invades Pole Land in the coming days.

Whatever happens now, no one can claim that an outcome this close was a refusal to do business. Hence, anyone expecting the excruciatingly loyal Republican Party to move away from its current psychiatric space in the next few decades should probably get used to disappointment.

Shortly after 7 a.m. UK time, Trump addressed the nation with quasi-dictatorial fanfare, falsely claiming victory and electoral fraud, and attempting to disenfranchise voters in undeclared states. At least that was what had been predicted. There has long been evidence that Trump cannot even handle potentially unfavorable election results. Have a look at how he dealt with male baldness. Contrary to what many people have been saying over the past four years, Trump eventually managed to build what has been described as a “non-scalable” fence. Unfortunately, he only did it this week and it now surrounds the White House.

Fears of the militia, a barricaded presidential connection, open calls for the disenfranchisement of voters – it is a mood that is very much borrowed from what Trump would call “shitty countries”. As the weeks go by, please don’t rule out Donald’s two great grown sons – Uday and Schmuday – prostrating a Black Hawk in the White House autonomous zone. The expectations have already been implemented so profoundly that if convoys with armed force do not shoot solemn rounds of vehicle convoys in the sky at the time of this writing, this is considered a positive.

World Championship

What is happening now in the name of incurable madness? I am encouraged to learn that the paths from here encompass everything from winning for the orange dopamine slider to the most illegitimate or controversial win in history, with Biden’s possibly best scenario being a close win with a Republican Senate that would allow him to achieve even less than he achieved in this campaign. In any event, locks around the globe are sure to be enlivened by ongoing reporting of the impact, possibly in the country’s sarcastically admired judicial system. Were US attorneys part of the original Pandora’s box breakout? If not, expect swarms of them to break through their defenses in the days to come.

Should Biden win a victory thanks to the way the world’s self-proclaimed largest democracy works, we will have grim arsonists for months that Trump claims was stolen. Or, to put it this way, the rest of the planet would understand: It’s like winning the World Cup in November and then letting the losing captain use it as a toilet for three months before handing you the overcrowded trophy in late January.

What a great night for pollsters and their polls, which seem to be about as accurate as all Trump statements. Millions of dollars have been spent querying this cycle. Definitely the business you have to get yourself into when journalism – which was about as bad – goes to its knees.

High Covid deaths

According to the Exit poll, Trump outperformed his 2016 results with every race and gender – with the exception of white men. In countries with high Covid death rates, Trump did better this year than 2016. I suppose we have to believe that the arc of history is towards justice, but it certainly requires some incredible detours.

Other different lowlights include Lindsey Graham winning again while some QAnon Gorgons are now a real Georgia Congresswoman. The 25-year-old Republican Madison Cawthorn, whose bucket list included a visit to Hitler’s vacation home, also goes to Congress and proclaims his victory just like Abraham Lincoln once did – in a tweet reading: “Cry more, lib.” The voters in Louisiana voted one Amendment to declaring that abortion was not protected by the state’s constitution.

Still, don’t let anyone guess that a democracy challenged by two men in the mid to late 1970s looks a bit necrotic in some ways. Yes, it would have been nice to have at least one candidate that no one had accused of sexually assaulting – but you had to be deeply comforted that one of the candidates was being accused of literally dozens more sexual assaults than the other.

Of course, the situation in the 2020 US presidential election is still going strong and if you are reading this there could be a ton of lucky hostages out there. Or just hostages. Don’t exclude anything. Maybe nothing but moral optimism. People always said that irony died when Henry Kissinger won the Nobel Peace Prize, but the real sacrifice was actually the Nobel Peace Prize. It’s hard to believe that anything on this scale now applies to the U.S. presidency, which will forever be viewed after that time as a job a man with the character of Donald Trump could get. Maybe twice – or damn close.

Marina Hyde is a Guardian columnist – Guardian News and Media