Influencers who find temporary love are out. Pushing celebrities out of helicopters is all the rage.
The concept is simple: recruit a range of celebrities of varying degrees of relevance, and then torture them with military tactics.
It takes all the things that we love Married at first sight and The bachelor – like psychological torment and agonizing behavior – and everything we hate like “love” and “happiness”.
In these dark times, it’s just a really nice thing that we as a nation can all unite and enjoy the joy of seeing Roxy Jacenko kicked out of a helicopter.
Only in Australia would we stand up for someone like the convicted drug smuggler, Schapelle Corby, and lift her onto our shoulders as we anoint her to be our new queen for television screens.
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It was an instant hit when 834,000 subway viewers saw Schapelle being interrogated in a cell with a bag over her head.
In the meantime, at ten Die Bachelorette slipped to 464,000 underground spectators. Yikes The biggest event in that damp old mansion that week was a grown man drinking a cosmopolitan.
Junior MasterChef was worse. Only 454,000 underground viewers tuned in. If these kids don’t get knocked out of helicopters when they stuff their crème brûlées, we don’t care.
After the success of this year SAS Series producers have to raise the bar to keep us busy.
The military tasks must become more intensive. This means waterboarding.
A high standard for casting has also been set. A convicted criminal here, a controversial public figure there. An alleged cheater.
Obviously, Karen From Brighton is the headline for next year. And Mercedes Corby. Ideally, she would have been paired with Schapelle as a two-for-one package in the current series, but in retrospect, it’s a cruel lady.
We need a convicted criminal and the only person Schapelle can beat is Cocaine Cassie. She was released early from El Buen Pastor Prison in Colombia this year, but is serving her parole there. Let’s mark them together with Mercedes Mum for the 2023 series.
Belle Gibson will do just fine for now.
The most interesting people are those who are rich. Removed from their luxurious life, it comes as a shock to the system when they suddenly drown in mud and use a hole in the floor as a toilet. We’ve already made calls to recruit the ousted Australia Post CEO who loves watches.
The group also needs a yin and yang dynamic – people of different backgrounds and beliefs who will clash. We should book in Izzy Folau as soon as possible. And a gay person. No matter which. Any gay will do it.
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This show is the perfect vehicle to give Tania Zaetta a second wind. And we have found that this is also a great opportunity for personalities who seek salvation from the public. George Calombaris and Pete Evans, an open invitation is officially extended.
Among the madmen, we need at least one or two people who are both mentally and physically fit. Julie Bishop meets these criteria. All that speed with walking in stilettos has given her a lifetime of training that has given her a unique advantage. She would win the whole thing.
Rose Porteous is a must see. Same goes for this older, less successful Hemsworth brother.
And because it’s an Australian reality show, we need to cast an American celebrity to it to dazzle it even more.
It would be great if we could get the fly that won the US Vice Presidential Debate. The second thought we probably can’t afford it.
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