Christopher says the diagnosis changes your life, but after many experiences he now feels proud to be HIV positive.
“Being a straight, white, Western European man, I never imagined that the test could be positive.”
Christopher Klettermayer – also known under his pseudonym Philipp Spiegel – is Austrian, 38 years old and diagnosed with human immunodeficiency virus (HIV) in 2014.
It is a day that he still remembers perfectly: he was in India doing photojournalistic work.
Unlike many, he did not receive the news in a hospital, but in an ashram, a Hindu meditation monastery that, as an entry requirement, asks attendees to take an HIV test.
“Of course I agreed to do it. Being white and straight, I thought I would give negative. But it was not like that“.
A couple of months earlier, in Austria, Christopher had been very ill, but it never occurred to anyone that it could be HIV.
“No doctor did the test because I was not part of the risk group. The diagnosis in India I received by chance and put me in a state of shock total”.
“I was actually lucky, because I could have gone years without getting tested.”
When the workers at the meditation center told him that the test had come back positive, Christopher felt that his existence was over. Ensures that it is a diagnosis that changes all aspects of your life.
‘Why me?’
“At first, I was scared and had a lot of questions about what HIV really is. I thought, ‘why me?’ I realized that I had to update all the information I had, remove all the clichés that I had in my mind about the virus in the 80s and 90s and bring them into the 21st century. “
Christopher says that many straight men do not disclose that they are HIV positive for fear of being labeled gay or drug addicts.
And that he did. Christopher spent the 48 hours that followed the harsh news researching and discovered concepts such as limit of detection, viral load, as well as calm that fear he felt of never being accepted again, of not being able to have children or a family and of not being able to have moments of intimacy again.
He also found over time that the problems he would face would be mostly psychological and related to the stigma that still exists around HIV.
“I don’t feel any real negative consequences beyond that. In Western Europe we are privileged to have a good healthcare system that offers us free treatment.”
Although there is still no cure for HIV, there are currently very effective antiretroviral treatments that allow most people with the virus to have a long and healthy life.
“It was as if my blood and sperm were poisonous”
Christopher recalls that shortly after he started taking the medicine, his “annoying” cough completely disappeared.
But at the same time other problems arose, such as when going out on a date.
“For a while I felt that there was a strange thing inside of me. I felt toxic, it was as if my blood and sperm were poisonous. I felt that I was a danger for other people, especially those I wanted to get closer to, like my lovers “.
“Dating someone at first was almost impossible because HIV destroys your confidence in yourself And if you’re going to go on a date without confidence, it’s just better not to go. “
Christopher says the scary thing about having HIV is that you never know how people are going to react when you say it.
“Can I catch it with a kiss?”
“It’s a lottery,” he says, before adding that he has already seen all kinds of reactions.
“One positive experience was when I asked a girl: ‘How would you react if I told you that I was HIV positive?’ She just smiled and said that would make things much more interesting. But there have also been people who have immediately asked me: ‘Can I catch it with a kiss?’
“Now I can say that I am proud to be living with HIV and I think I can pass that on to the woman I am dating. Not always, of course. I also face fear, skepticism and rejection“.
“I think that’s another aspect of HIV: constantly living in fear of being discovered. You have to be careful what you say and the consequences that this can have. It’s like living the life of a double agent,” he continues.
Over time, Philipp decided to abandon that “double life” and thought that he should use the “privilege of living in a country where having HIV is less of a problem” to educate and inspire to other people.
“I realized that if I can’t say I have HIV, who can?”
The fear of being excluded from society
Christopher has been fighting the stigma of people living with the virus for several years.
In the past, he has used the pseudonym Philipp Spiegel to talk about HIV and give interviews. Says he had so afraid of being seen or treated differently that he felt compelled to create this character.
“He was afraid of having to live in isolation, of being excluded from society.”
“The more I confronted myself and challenged perceptions of sexuality and masculinity, the less importance I gave it. This made it easier and easier to come out of the closet, because at some point I said to myself: ‘Ya, it’s nothing to write home about‘”.
But he admits that reaching that conclusion took many years and many experiences, one of them was falling in love again.
“It helped me a lot when I finally had a new romantic relationship and I saw how she treated me and how the virus issue was just never there, that it was just taking one pill a day.”
“Now I live happier than before HIV”
“I think a misperception is that HIV dominates your life. But in reality, in my case, if I wasn’t working on it, it wouldn’t be. There have been times when my family and friends have completely forgotten that I have the virus because it just isn’t a problem. “
Christopher confesses that one of his greatest fears was always that of being seen as “the guy who tested positive“.
“I am more than that, HIV is only one aspect of me.”
Today, the Austrian writer and former journalist says the diagnosis has given him a chance to reflect on his life and has given him a broader picture of things.
“I’m living more in the present moment, now I live happier than before HIV and it’s because it was a traumatic experience. “
It has also given her an artistic purpose and goal to write a book on what it’s like to live with HIV.
“Knowledge disperses fear”
He believes that it is even more traumatic for many heterosexual men due to issues related to masculinity.
“Many straight men do not disclose they have HIV because they have fear of being marked gays or drug addicts. “
Christopher finds it difficult to advise people on whether or not to reveal his status.
“It’s difficult because the advice would be different depending on the country or region or even the family you grew up in. I know people who have been banished from their families for that.”
But it has a message for all those living with HIV in the 21st century.
“Feeling guilty or ashamed of being HIV positive is a futile effort. Take your time. Be patient, accept that it is there, but give HIV the space it should occupy in your life. Don’t let him decide how much space to occupy, that decision is yours. “
“Dedicate yourself to knowing everything about the virus, because knowledge disperses fear.”
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