How to talk about mental illness in a new relationship

Dating can be difficult for anyone, but things can get a little more complicated for people with mental illness. Aside from how an anxiety disorder makes the whole process much more difficult – you are deliberately introducing new potential sources of anxiety into your life – the question also arises of how and when to talk about mental illness with the person you are meeting with. Is that possible too soon? What if you leave it too late? And what about stigma? We spoke to several mental health experts to find out.

When to talk about mental illness in a relationship

Let’s start with the ideal point in a relationship to highlight the fact that you are living with a mental illness. It turns out there really aren’t any, and neither is there a set schedule for disclosing other personal information while you start dating. For the most part, the mental health professionals we interviewed said that it all depends on the type of relationship, how good you are with the person, and where you see the relationship.

According to Dr. Wilfred Van Gorp, psychologist and past president of the American Academy of Clinical Neuropsychology, this interview should take place “at the point where you trust the person enough to take the relationship to a deeper level.” Similarly, Dr. Leela R. Magavi, an adult, adolescent, and child psychiatrist and regional medical director at Community Psychiatry, said that before you disclose any personal information – as with any mental illness – you should ensure that you are respected and dating the person you are appreciates you. Sometimes this can take a month, sometimes a year, she explains, noting that every relationship is unique.

In the meantime, Dr. Julian Lagoy, another psychiatrist at Community Psychiatry, stopped discussing your mental illness on the first date. Instead, he recommends waiting until things get serious and you are more likely to consider a long-term and lasting relationship or marriage. “Obviously it is very difficult to introduce something like this to a new partner,” Lagoy told Lifehacker. “It’s even worse, however, if you never tell them about it and then get married or have been together for many years and they find out another way.”

How do you know when you will be ready for this interview?

You trust your partner, want a future with him and think he respects you: does this mean you are ready to raise mental illness? According to Dr. Daryl Appleton, a psychotherapist specializing in anxiety, communication strategies, quarantined mental health, and relationship counseling, has no set schedule for these discussions.

However, you can ensure that you have entered what is known as the “vulnerability-sharing phase” of a relationship. “You know – the one that they tell you about their traumas and inner fears and that you share in return,” Appleton tells Lifehacker. To determine if you’re ready to take this step, she recommends asking yourself the following questions:

• Do you see your relationship with this person evolve and do you want to deepen your connection?
• Has this person openly shared their values ​​and personal stories with you and created an environment that feels “safe” and inviting?
• Do you think it’s important to give your story and experience a voice so they can get to know all parts of you?

How should you approach the subject?

First, it doesn’t have to be a scenario where you blurt out, “You know what?” At a candlelit dinner. I have “bipolar disorder” between starters and dessert. (If you want to do it that way, it’s entirely up to you.) Here are a few examples of (slightly more nuanced) alternatives:

Mention of mental health in the context of your current challenges

One way to empathize with the topic in a way that doesn’t feel compelled is to bring it up at a time when you are discussing your challenges and what you are doing to overcome them, according to Van Gorp. “Relate [your mental health issues] for everyday functioning, ”he suggests. For example, right now, the pandemic is a logical entry point into these discussions, and Van Gorp says you can go with something like, “This COVID thing is really bothering me – I’m scared anyway – and that only makes it worse. “Then take it from there.

With that in mind, Appleton says it can occur if you tell the person you’re meeting with about a problem that they encountered at work but that you handled well. After mentioning this, you may add a piece of information about your sanity: “A few years ago I wasn’t that good in a room, and I absolutely wouldn’t have handled it as well as I did.”

Drop therapy into the conversation

An easier way to bring up mental illness in someone you’re meeting with is to just say something like, “I’ve got therapy today,” and allow the person to ask more questions, Appleton explains. However, we should note that how and when you talk about your mental health is entirely up to you. So, you can mention going to therapy and answering questions about your mental illness without going into the details when this is the most convenient way to start out.

In the context of fears and triggers

If you live with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and can be easily triggered by other everyday things, consider doing so with the person you are meeting with, Dr. Cio Hernandez, a licensed marriage and family therapist, tells Lifehacker.

“When there are certain fears or triggers that need to be shared [in order for you] To develop a sense of security, share them earlier, ”explains Hernandez. “It could be something straight forward like, ‘I’ll sit where I can see the door,’ or ‘If you notice I’m shaking or a little sweaty, I’ll just get scared. Deep breathing seems to help. I am fine.”

As part of a discussion about support

When you date someone who is new – especially if you’re in recovery – Hernandez says it’s important that you are clear about the type of support you will need from the other person. “Set the parameters for future appointments, e. B. Meet in a park or museum instead of a bar and tell your partner your destination, ”she advises. “Asking about your needs in order to be met is a normal part of any healthy relationship.” And if the support you need involves a mental illness, this could be a way to bring it up.

How detailed should you get?

Again, it is up to you how comfortable you feel with the person and whether you see yourself in a relationship with them over the long term. According to Appleton, you only need to go into as much detail as you think necessary at the beginning and then reveal more as the relationship progresses over time.

And finally, you can even invite your partner to a therapy session with you. “This meeting doesn’t have to be a fundamental couples therapy session; it can be a general information session where you and your therapist can share information about your diagnoses and best practice tips to assist you,” explains Appleton.

But when it comes to trauma, things can get more complicated. For example, Hernandez says she has clients with complex trauma who regularly share too much too early in a relationship to feel even more vulnerable. In the meantime, she has other customers who share too little and leave room for false perceptions about behaviors, preferences and interests. “Share enough information to reassure your vulnerable inner voice that you are safe, but not so much that you overwhelm yourself or others,” said Hernandez. “It can be scary for a new partner to believe that it is their responsibility to fix you.”

Does the type of mental illness matter?

Not only are mental illnesses themselves stigmatized, but there are certain conditions that are more stigmatized than others. For example, you may feel comfortable communicating that you are living with depression, but be more careful when diagnosing personality disorders, as not everyone understands them. “Unfortunately, some people experience shame and guilt when they talk about personality disorders, addictions, and eating disorders because of the stigma surrounding these diseases,” explains Magavi.

But Lagoy says your diagnosis makes a difference in how you create mental illness with someone you date. “When someone is mildly afraid, it is much different than when someone has major depressive disorder and commits suicide, or when someone is a narcissist or has borderline personality disorder,” he explains. “The nature and severity of any mental illness will affect your relationship in different ways.”

The final result

Ultimately, it’s important to remember that mental illness is not a shameful secret. “Rather, it’s an area of ​​diversity that we can protect if we so choose,” explains Hernandez. “Nobody has to start a new relationship and wear a diagnostic badge. Take the time to see if you can trust a new relationship. The wrong partner can use the information against you. The right partner will lift you to your highest light, even if the symptoms appear to be winning. ”